|
We're
Rich, You're Dead! ™
|
|
Licensed to Kill Lauds Western Michigan University for its Tobacco-Friendly Career Services Program October 14, 2004 Judi
Bailey, President Dear President Bailey: The tobacco industry was most pleased to hear that one of our own had been named Western Michigan University’s 2003-04 “Employer of the Year.” It bodes fabulously well for our industry’s campus recruiting efforts in Michigan and beyond, not to mention efforts by tobacco companies such as our own to convince the public, media, lawmakers, and jurors that we are not merchants of death, rather saintly corporate citizens. As
you may or may not know, Licensed to Kill, Inc was incorporated
in the Commonwealth of Virginia last year. The purpose of our
corporation, as stated in our articles of incorporation, is to
“manufacture and market tobacco products in a way that each
year kills over 400,000 Americans and 4.5 million other persons
worldwide.” For more information about our brutally honest
company, go to http://www.licensedtokill.biz It is getting harder and harder these days to recruit people to work for our industry. On many college campuses, tobacco company representatives have been made most unwelcome by rowdy students, indignant faculty, and moral-minded administrators. It’s refreshing to hear that that’s not the case at Western Michigan University! It takes a special kind of person to work for the tobacco industry. Some of the qualities we look for in prospective employees include: a disregard for human life; a passion for targeting the young, the poor, the black, and the stupid; the ability to rationalize the work, as in “If I didn’t do it, someone else would”; the propensity to miss the forest for the trees, as in “Lung cancer may have killed over 70,000 women last year, but what a pro-woman company Philip Morris is for helping out with employees’ daycare costs!”; and a burning desire to make lots of money. That a whopping 30 Western Michigan University alumni are employed by Philip Morris indicates that your university must be doing something right! From the bottom of my heart, er, wallet, I thank you for so clearly recognizing that a job pushing cigarettes is really no different than a job as a nurse, a teacher, a park ranger, or a human rights advocate. Granted, our industry may kill more people than we employ, but hey, a company’s gotta do what a company’s gotta do! I look forward to scheduling a meeting with you and the esteemed staff of Western Michigan University’s Career and Student Employment Services to explore how Licensed to Kill, Inc could support your student employment programs. Perhaps a generous contribution to a new office building in exchange for naming rights, e.g. the “Licensed to Kill Career Center”? A summer internship program for business students interested in gaining real-world experience in how to make a killing? A lecture series highlighting the lucrative job opportunities available for students who adhere to the important ethic of “profits over people”? Our company’s only concern is your university’s smoke-free policy, which reaks of a double standard. If you want more alumni to work for the tobacco industry, you shouldn’t banish the carcinogenic byproduct of their main source of income! In conclusion, our company looks forward to the day when our partnership with your university bears fruit and we too have the honor of being named WMU’s Employer of the Year. In the name of profit, Rich
Fromdeth, CEO |
Website disclaimer: Licensed to Kill, Inc stands by the veracity, but not the morality
of the contents of www.licensedtokill.biz, as well as the behavior of our company and its public statements.