Good
morning, Louis. You may remember me. I'm Cora - Cora Prutspin,
Senior VP of Corporate Communications for Licensed to Kill,
the world's first and only truthful tobacco company, online
at www.licensedtokill.biz
I
just had to stand up here and offer a word of praise for what
your company does amidst this litany of complaints from youth
and nurses and all these other folks. First off, I'd like to
commend you for your poetic way with words: "refreshing
and flavorful taste sensations" "legitimate industry"
and my personal favorite "corporate social responsibility"
- as if you're not responsible for millions of deaths. Deliciously
deceiving and oh so Orwellian - almost makes my heart flutter!
Of
course, when things don't go your way, it certainly helps to
have top notch lawyers at your beck and call. I think I speak
for all of us here in the tobacco industry in thanking you for
taking the lead in challenging those pesky policies in Uruguay,
Norway, Turkey and beyond that threaten the health of our industry.
Got to nip such measures in the bud or they spread like cancer
and kill profits!
And
brilliant undercover use of the U.S.-ASEAN Business Council
to facilitate meetings with Thai officials and oppose plain
- aka "really not sexy" - packaging in Australia.
And gotta love those new strategies to prevent people from quitting
or never starting under the innocuous sounding guise of "harm
reduction." We both know the greatest harm reduction would
be retiring the Marlboro Man …yeah, right!
Louis,
I know none of us in the industry is happy that our products
kill people, but it's a fact that they do and that the more
we sell, the more they kill. Every 6 seconds our industry kills
another customer and needs to hook at least one replacement.
The sound of a new addict? Ka-ching! 1-2-3-4-5- Ka-ching! They
talk about death, but we know it's all about the dough. Ka-ching!
Ka-ching! Ka-ching!
Our
company believes in - we believe in giving praise where praise
is due...So we'd like to give you - bestow today - our prestigious
Golden Coffin Award. It says right here: for your tireless efforts
to recruit replacement smokers for the 5.4 million people our
industry kills each year, 1 every 6 seconds. Keep up the good
work!
CEO
LOUIS CAMILLERI'S RESPONSE:
Thank
you, Mrs white. [Hmmm,
Camilleri seems to have our Senior VP confused with one of those
anti-"tobacco industry health" activists]
You're articulate, but your humor is frankly distasteful. Thank
you.
