We're Rich, You're Dead!


Licensed to Kill's Customer Service Department has received hundreds of inquiries since the launch of the company. We take pride in sending individualized responses to all emails, usually from our Senior VP of Corporate Communications herself. We try our best to respond to inquiries in a timely fashion, but due to the frequent travel of our staff, are not always able to do so. Our efforts to expand our sales around the world takes up a lot of our time. We hope you'll understand!

To contact our Customer Service Department, send an email to: tobacco@licensedtokill.biz

For your reading pleasure, below are some of inquiries we have received and our responses.

Hello, I am assuming that the press release of License to Kill as a legitimate company is a joke, and that its advertisements are an example of political satire. Please confirm. - P.M.

CORE PRUTSPIN: Our company, Licensed to Kill, Inc WAS incorporated in the Commonwealth of Virginia last month. That is no joke. Please see http://www.licensedtokill.biz/articles.pdf to view a certified copy of our articles of incorporation. As for our line of products, we can not confirm or deny at this point whether they really exist. But since our company has nothing to hide, we suggest that you contact our arch nemesis, Essential Action (tobacco@essential.org, 202-387-8030), for their opinion about our company.

I just read about your efforts on the USA Today web site. It strikes me that your sole purpose is merely to seek your "...15 minutes of fame." Nothing you have done to date indicates you are concerned about seeking solutions to tobacco abuse.

I suggest you re-direct your energies to alternative solutions that offer the potential to address this issue, such as:

* developing a tobacco-free cigarette that offers smokers a similar experience without the adverse health affects; or,
* convincing the FDA that nicotine-replacement therapies should be available over-the-counter and not require a prescription, substantially lowering the cost for smokers that are considering the cessation of tobacco abuse.

All you have done so far is create a different way to blow smoke!

-- R. B (Columbus, OH)

CORE PRUTSPIN: As our articles of incorporation clearly state, our company's purpose is to manufacture and market tobacco in a way that kills over 400,000 Americans and 4.5 other people worldwide annually. We are not seeking fame, but we are seeking money - lots of it.

That said, we would be willing to look into your suggestion of a tobacco-free cigarette. As long as we can add some nicotine. Truthfully, whether cigarettes do or do not contain tobacco, probably won't affect the death rates of our customers much. Inhaling smoke of any source isn't too healthy. And we're not terribly opposed to increasing the availability of NRT, but definitely think it would be a bad idea for more states to pass smoke-free workplace laws. Now THAT would really hurt our business.

To Whom it Concerns,

I found the Licensed to Kill website on www.commondreams.org and wanted to let you know that I think it was a brilliant idea. As an attorney with public interest inclinations, I appreciate the creativity of filing articles of incorporation in order to highlight how the power of the state is used to sanction killer corporations. As a smoker who was already planning to quit this coming Monday, the site was just what I needed to see right now. I plan to visit the site again when cravings hit...just to remind myself of how good it can feel to shake off not only a pernicious physical addiction, but an entire corporate web of deception and greed. Now, if you ever do get around to manufacturing the "Throat Hole" brand, I'd like to pass out a few packs to friends of mine who haven't yet heeded the call to quit! I think that would do the trick...

Keep up the great work,

-- S.B. (Brooklyn, NY)

CORE PRUTSPIN: Thanks for contacting our company, but we are saddened to hear that you plan on quitting smoking. Are you really sure you want to do this? Me and my fellow corporate executives hefty salaries come from faithful, er addicted, customers like you. Perhaps we could send you a carton of "Global Massacres" as an incentive to keep up the habit?

Many of those dying from cigarettes are TERRORIZED with suffocation for months/years before they die making the Cigarette Industry the largest TERRORIST ORGANIZATION in the world and the biggest enemy of America.
J.S. RN (CA)

CORE PRUTSPIN: Glad you like our site. And we concur that our industry is terrorist in nature. But hey, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to make money.

How soon till your cigarettes are in stores? I would like to try them.

CORE PRUTSPIN: We are not sure yet when our line of cigarettes will be in the stores, but if you sign up for our email updates, we will certainly let you know when they become available. Personally, I recommend "Throat Hole" (guaranteed to make you lose your voice!), which we will be unveiling shortly.

Give me one good reason why I should buy my cigs from a bunch of kooks like you.

CORE PRUTSPIN: Truth in advertising. We don't say that cigarettes are sexy -- we say they're deadly.

Truth in advertising???? You people are beginning to believe your own BS. You attract people on the pretense that you are a new cigarette company when in truth you are just another annoying anti smoking organization. Nice twist but it's still a lie no matter how you cut it. Maybe you should change your motto to, "We lie for a greater good."

Well enjoy the ride while it lasts, one by one the states are going broke and you freeloaders will be the first to go.

CORE PRUTSPIN: We really like your fighting spirit and are wondering -- since you seem to prefer the lies of the tobacco industry to the "lies" of tobacco control zealots -- if you would be interested in working for Licensed to Kill, Inc. We are currently hiring for director-level positions overseas. Priority will be given to applicants who have experience in peddling harmful products to young children. A commitment to the principle of "profits over people" is a must.

I love your site. The honesty is so refreshing! Are you planning to manipulate your levels of nicotine and tar? That was the only question of mine that you did not fully answer. ;)

I'd like to hear any updates that you have. Keep up the good work! You make the little people like me out here in the middle of nowhere feel appreciated and like what I'm doing matters to someone. - S.W, Paw Paw, MI

CORE PRUTSPIN: Thank you for your postive email. We're glad that you like our site. In answer to your question, yes we do plan to manipulate the levels of nicotine and tar in our cigarettes. Global Massacre and CHAIN, since they are primarily for people in low-income countries and young people, respectively, will have a higher nicotine content. L2K will have an especially high amount of tar, as we mention quite openly on our website.


© 2003 Licensed to Kill, Inc
Website disclaimer: Licensed to Kill, Inc stands by the veracity, but not the morality
of the contents of www.licensedtokill.biz, as well as the behavior of our company and its public statements.