SERVICES INQUIRIES & RESPONSES
Licensed to Kill's Customer Service Department has received hundreds
of inquiries since the launch of the company. We take pride in
sending individualized responses to all emails, usually from our
Senior VP of Corporate Communications herself. We try our best
to respond to inquiries in a timely fashion, but due to the frequent
travel of our staff, are not always able to do so. Our efforts
to expand our sales around the world takes up a lot of our time.
We hope you'll understand!
contact our Customer Service Department, send an email to: firstname.lastname@example.org
your reading pleasure, below are some of inquiries we have received
and our responses.
Hello, I am assuming that the press release of License to Kill as
a legitimate company is a joke, and that its advertisements are
an example of political satire. Please confirm. - P.M.
PRUTSPIN: Our company, Licensed to Kill, Inc WAS incorporated
in the Commonwealth of Virginia last month. That is no joke. Please
to view a certified copy of our articles of incorporation. As
for our line of products, we can not confirm or deny at this point
whether they really exist. But since our company has nothing to
hide, we suggest that you contact our arch nemesis, Essential
Action (email@example.com, 202-387-8030), for their opinion
about our company.
just read about your efforts on the USA Today web site. It strikes
me that your sole purpose is merely to seek your "...15 minutes
of fame." Nothing you have done to date indicates you are
concerned about seeking solutions to tobacco abuse.
suggest you re-direct your energies to alternative solutions that
offer the potential to address this issue, such as:
developing a tobacco-free cigarette that offers smokers a similar
experience without the adverse health affects; or,
* convincing the FDA that nicotine-replacement therapies should
be available over-the-counter and not require a prescription,
substantially lowering the cost for smokers that are considering
the cessation of tobacco abuse.
you have done so far is create a different way to blow smoke!
R. B (Columbus, OH)
PRUTSPIN: As our articles of incorporation clearly state, our
company's purpose is to manufacture and market tobacco in a way
that kills over 400,000 Americans and 4.5 other people worldwide
annually. We are not seeking fame, but we are seeking money -
lots of it.
said, we would be willing to look into your suggestion of a tobacco-free
cigarette. As long as we can add some nicotine. Truthfully, whether
cigarettes do or do not contain tobacco, probably won't affect
the death rates of our customers much. Inhaling smoke of any source
isn't too healthy. And we're not terribly opposed to increasing
the availability of NRT, but definitely think it would be a bad
idea for more states to pass smoke-free workplace laws. Now THAT
would really hurt our business.
Whom it Concerns,
found the Licensed to Kill website on www.commondreams.org and
wanted to let you know that I think it was a brilliant idea. As
an attorney with public interest inclinations, I appreciate the
creativity of filing articles of incorporation in order to highlight
how the power of the state is used to sanction killer corporations.
As a smoker who was already planning to quit this coming Monday,
the site was just what I needed to see right now. I plan to visit
the site again when cravings hit...just to remind myself of how
good it can feel to shake off not only a pernicious physical addiction,
but an entire corporate web of deception and greed. Now, if you
ever do get around to manufacturing the "Throat Hole"
brand, I'd like to pass out a few packs to friends of mine who
haven't yet heeded the call to quit! I think that would do the
up the great work,
S.B. (Brooklyn, NY)
PRUTSPIN: Thanks for contacting our company, but we are saddened
to hear that you plan on quitting smoking. Are you really sure
you want to do this? Me and my fellow corporate executives hefty
salaries come from faithful, er addicted, customers like you.
Perhaps we could send you a carton of "Global Massacres"
as an incentive to keep up the habit?
Many of those dying from cigarettes are TERRORIZED with suffocation
for months/years before they die making the Cigarette Industry
the largest TERRORIST ORGANIZATION in the world and the biggest
enemy of America.
J.S. RN (CA)
PRUTSPIN: Glad you like our site. And we concur that our industry
is terrorist in nature. But hey, sometimes you gotta do what you
gotta do to make money.
soon till your cigarettes are in stores? I would like to try them.
PRUTSPIN: We are not sure yet when our line of cigarettes will
be in the stores, but if you sign up for our email updates, we
will certainly let you know when they become available. Personally,
I recommend "Throat Hole" (guaranteed to make you lose
your voice!), which we will be unveiling shortly.
Give me one good reason why I should buy my cigs from a bunch
of kooks like you.
PRUTSPIN: Truth in advertising. We don't say that cigarettes are
sexy -- we say they're deadly.
in advertising???? You people are beginning to believe your own
BS. You attract people on the pretense that you are a new cigarette
company when in truth you are just another annoying anti smoking
organization. Nice twist but it's still a lie no matter how you
cut it. Maybe you should change your motto to, "We lie for
a greater good."
enjoy the ride while it lasts, one by one the states are going
broke and you freeloaders will be the first to go.
PRUTSPIN: We really like your fighting spirit and are wondering
-- since you seem to prefer the lies of the tobacco industry to
the "lies" of tobacco control zealots -- if you would
be interested in working for Licensed to Kill, Inc. We are currently
hiring for director-level positions overseas. Priority will be
given to applicants who have experience in peddling harmful products
to young children. A commitment to the principle of "profits
over people" is a must.
love your site. The honesty is so refreshing! Are you planning
to manipulate your levels of nicotine and tar? That was the only
question of mine that you did not fully answer. ;)
like to hear any updates that you have. Keep up the good work!
You make the little people like me out here in the middle of nowhere
feel appreciated and like what I'm doing matters to someone. -
S.W, Paw Paw, MI
PRUTSPIN: Thank you for your postive email. We're glad that you
like our site. In answer to your question, yes we do plan to manipulate
the levels of nicotine and tar in our cigarettes. Global Massacre
and CHAIN, since they are primarily for people in low-income countries
and young people, respectively, will have a higher nicotine content.
L2K will have an especially high amount of tar, as we mention
quite openly on our website.