We're Rich, You're Dead!

My name is B.L., I'm a journalism student in Dublin, Ireland currently working on a thesis ('major' I think you guys in America say) on smoking, and I have just one question: are you guys for real, i.e. can you actually buy cigarettes called 'WOMD', 'Serial Killer', etc, or is the whole website, including evidence of incorporation, just an elaborate, well-conceived and very clever satire of the tobacco industry? - B.L.

CORE PRUTSPIN: In answer to your question, our line of cigarettes is not yet available in the stores. If you sign up for our company's email updates, however, we will keep you informed regarding the future availability of our company's deadly product line.

Oh, and in case there was any doubt, the articles of incorporation on our website are completely "for real."


Dear Licensed to Kill,

I appreciate your candid attitude to smoking and selling what everyone knows is a life-threatening product. Hey, alcohol companies don't hide the effects or possible side --effects of their product, so why should tobacco companies!

I've looked in stores, but haven't seen your cigarettes. I live in Arlington, Virgina and I'd really like to know where I can buy Licensed to Kill brand cigarettes? Please let me know. I'm particularly interested in the CHAIN cigs. I love chocolate and can't imagine a better combo than nicotine and the caffine from chocolate at the same time!!! You should market these to women as well as teens, because pretty much all women like chocolate.

Thanks for standing up for the smokers of the world!

CORE PRUTSPIN: hanks for your suggestion of broadening our target market for CHAIN cigarettes to include women, in addition to teens. We will have our marketing team look into developing some women-specific promotions for the brand, perhaps a western cowgirl theme and the slogan "Be like a man, Die like a man"


I don't know what you're smoking now, but you ought to switch to cigarettes. They wouldn't have done nearly as much damage to your brain as whatever is in your system now. You attorneys must have a lot of idle time on your hands in order to waste such creativity on something that doesn't generate $500.00 per hour! Will you also feature a website about Bathtubs, since they kill hundreds of people every year? Since drowning remains the major cause of early demise, maybe you might pass laws against water?

CORE PRUTSPIN: There must be some misunderstanding. Our company is in the cigarette, er nicotine, business. If other drugs were legal and unregulated, we might push them too. In the meantime, the only thing "on our brain" is the prospect of making a killing of a profit.

We have no intention of expanding into the bathtub industry. We prefer to concentrate on more profitable, addictive products (which just happen to be a bit more deadly). However, Licensed to Kill would be happy to add a link to a website on the deadly nature of bathtubs, if you know of a good one.


Hello, The first question is, are you really a business, complete with a business plan and serious products? It seems it would be profitable, even if your clientele were limited to rebellious types. If you really are a profit motivated company, not just a business incorporated to make a statement, what positions do you have open and where do I send a resume? I'd send a resume but, I do have limitations, myself. - S.W.
A dedicated supporter of Virginia's number one legal cash crop

CORE PRUTSPIN:…As a new company, we have many positions open, e.g. Deputy Director of Global Marketing, Senior VP of Government Relations, etc. Feel free to email us your resume, with a short introductory letter outlining your reasons for wanting to work with us, your areas of expertise, and any suggestions you may have for boosting sales to women and children overseas.


Beautiful site! I love it!

How about a brand called Cancer Sticks Ultra 1,000's. Or, for advertisements, instead of showing clean lakes and beautiful forests the way an oil company would, you could have pictures of street gutters filled with cigarette butts, or an emphysema patient hooked up to oxygen tanks.

This truth in advertising is the way to go. I think I'm going to start smoking again! I think I'll wait for the "Throat Hole" brand to come out though. - J.O.

CORE PRUTSPIN: We like your suggestion for a "Cancer Sticks" cigarette brand, and your suggestions for related advertising are good, though we might have to add a little bit of a spin to them, e.g. "Cancer and chemo won't stop me from smoking my "Cancer Sticks." And if you're excited about "Throat Hole", you'll really want to try the new cigarette brand we're developing exclusively for men, scientifically proven to cause impotence.


Dear L2K,

It is hard to believe in this day and age of corporate malfeasance that there is finally an honest company. You are a shining example to be set for all business majors out there. Keep up the good work. I do hope you will continue diligently with your global expansion. It is only through Commonwealth sanctioned genocide that we will be able to bring democracy to the world. Keep up the good work. - D.H., Charlottesville, VA

CORE PRUTSPIN: We're glad that you appreciate our honesty. Indeed, there are so many oppressed people who have never experienced the "freedom" to smoke our brands. Licensed to Kill hopes to change that! Wish us $ucce$$ in promoting "Global Massacres" around the world.


Could you do a graph, with real stats, showing proportion of earnings that go on cigarettes once someone gets addicted. Also, can you answer the question, since everyone has to die anyway, how much loss of life is there (like an insurer's table): and how do the medical costs compare of seeing someone off through cancer (with chemo, surgery or whatever) against several years on a pension and in a nursing home with related expenses. Thank you

CORE PRUTSPIN: In answer to your question, a graph would be a good idea, though the figures would vary widely from country to country. As for your second question, I believe that Philip Morris released a study on this topic in the Czech Republic a couple of years ago, when the country was considering whether or not to raise tobacco taxes. For more information, go to:
http://www.ash.org.uk/html/international/pdfs/czechstudy.pdf

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© 2003 Licensed to Kill, Inc
Website disclaimer: Licensed to Kill, Inc stands by the veracity, but not the morality
of the contents of www.licensedtokill.biz, as well as the behavior of our company and its public statements.