My
name is B.L., I'm a journalism student in Dublin, Ireland currently
working on a thesis ('major' I think you guys in America say) on
smoking, and I have just one question: are you guys for real, i.e.
can you actually buy cigarettes called 'WOMD', 'Serial Killer',
etc, or is the whole website, including evidence of incorporation,
just an elaborate, well-conceived and very clever satire of the
tobacco industry? - B.L.
CORE
PRUTSPIN: In answer to your question, our line of cigarettes is
not yet available in the stores. If you sign up for our company's
email updates, however, we will keep you informed regarding the
future availability of our company's deadly product line.
Oh,
and in case there was any doubt, the articles of incorporation
on our website are completely "for real."
Dear
Licensed to Kill,
I
appreciate your candid attitude to smoking and selling what everyone
knows is a life-threatening product. Hey, alcohol companies don't
hide the effects or possible side --effects of their product,
so why should tobacco companies!
I've
looked in stores, but haven't seen your cigarettes. I live in
Arlington, Virgina and I'd really like to know where I can buy
Licensed to Kill brand cigarettes? Please let me know. I'm particularly
interested in the CHAIN cigs. I love chocolate and can't imagine
a better combo than nicotine and the caffine from chocolate at
the same time!!! You should market these to women as well as teens,
because pretty much all women like chocolate.
Thanks
for standing up for the smokers of the world!
CORE
PRUTSPIN: hanks for your suggestion of broadening our target market
for CHAIN cigarettes to include women, in addition to teens. We
will have our marketing team look into developing some women-specific
promotions for the brand, perhaps a western cowgirl theme and
the slogan "Be like a man, Die like a man"
I
don't know what you're smoking now, but you ought to switch to
cigarettes. They wouldn't have done nearly as much damage to your
brain as whatever is in your system now. You attorneys must have
a lot of idle time on your hands in order to waste such creativity
on something that doesn't generate $500.00 per hour! Will you
also feature a website about Bathtubs, since they kill hundreds
of people every year? Since drowning remains the major cause of
early demise, maybe you might pass laws against water?
CORE
PRUTSPIN: There must be some misunderstanding. Our company is
in the cigarette, er nicotine, business. If other drugs were legal
and unregulated, we might push them too. In the meantime, the
only thing "on our brain" is the prospect of making
a killing of a profit.
We
have no intention of expanding into the bathtub industry. We prefer
to concentrate on more profitable, addictive products (which just
happen to be a bit more deadly). However, Licensed to Kill would
be happy to add a link to a website on the deadly nature of bathtubs,
if you know of a good one.
Hello,
The first question is, are you really a business, complete with
a business plan and serious products? It seems it would be profitable,
even if your clientele were limited to rebellious types. If you
really are a profit motivated company, not just a business incorporated
to make a statement, what positions do you have open and where
do I send a resume? I'd send a resume but, I do have limitations,
myself. - S.W.
A dedicated supporter of Virginia's number one legal cash crop
CORE
PRUTSPIN:
As a new company, we have many positions open,
e.g. Deputy Director of Global Marketing, Senior VP of Government
Relations, etc. Feel free to email us your resume, with a short
introductory letter outlining your reasons for wanting to work
with us, your areas of expertise, and any suggestions you may
have for boosting sales to women and children overseas.
Beautiful
site! I love it!
How
about a brand called Cancer Sticks Ultra 1,000's. Or, for advertisements,
instead of showing clean lakes and beautiful forests the way an
oil company would, you could have pictures of street gutters filled
with cigarette butts, or an emphysema patient hooked up to oxygen
tanks.
This
truth in advertising is the way to go. I think I'm going to start
smoking again! I think I'll wait for the "Throat Hole"
brand to come out though. - J.O.
CORE
PRUTSPIN: We like your suggestion for a "Cancer Sticks"
cigarette brand, and your suggestions for related advertising
are good, though we might have to add a little bit of a spin to
them, e.g. "Cancer and chemo won't stop me from smoking my
"Cancer Sticks." And if you're excited about "Throat
Hole", you'll really want to try the new cigarette brand
we're developing exclusively for men, scientifically proven to
cause impotence.
Dear
L2K,
It
is hard to believe in this day and age of corporate malfeasance
that there is finally an honest company. You are a shining example
to be set for all business majors out there. Keep up the good
work. I do hope you will continue diligently with your global
expansion. It is only through Commonwealth sanctioned genocide
that we will be able to bring democracy to the world. Keep up
the good work. - D.H., Charlottesville, VA
CORE
PRUTSPIN: We're glad that you appreciate our honesty. Indeed,
there are so many oppressed people who have never experienced
the "freedom" to smoke our brands. Licensed to Kill
hopes to change that! Wish us $ucce$$ in promoting "Global
Massacres" around the world.
Could
you do a graph, with real stats, showing proportion of earnings
that go on cigarettes once someone gets addicted. Also, can you
answer the question, since everyone has to die anyway, how much
loss of life is there (like an insurer's table): and how do the
medical costs compare of seeing someone off through cancer (with
chemo, surgery or whatever) against several years on a pension
and in a nursing home with related expenses. Thank you
CORE
PRUTSPIN: In answer to your question, a graph would be a good
idea, though the figures would vary widely from country to country.
As for your second question, I believe that Philip Morris released
a study on this topic in the Czech Republic a couple of years
ago, when the country was considering whether or not to raise
tobacco taxes. For more information, go to:
http://www.ash.org.uk/html/international/pdfs/czechstudy.pdf
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